Surviving Survivor

Has anyone ever really listened to the lyrics of that Destiny's Child song, "Survivor"? Has Destiny's Child? I can't imagine Beyonce, in good conscience, green-lighting a lyric as bizarre as "I'm not gonna dis you on the internet/cause my mama taught me better than that." One imagines an apron-clad mother full of folkish wisdom clucking her tongue at a pint-sized Destiny's Child: "Have you girls been dissing people on the internet?"

The real weirdness, however, isn't in the bridges, it's in the verses. For those who can't remember or never paid attention in the first place, they're a litany of claims that all follow the basic pattern of "You thought this would happen when we broke up/In fact, the opposite happened." It starts off innocently enough, with lyrics like "You thought that I'd be weak without you/but I'm stronger" and "Thought I wouldn't grow without you/but I'm wiser." Then, right before the hands-in-the-air chorus, it takes a dangerous turn for the overly specific: "Thought I'd be stressed without you/but I'm chillin." After the chorus, all hell breaks loose: "Thought I couldn't see without you/perfect vision," and "Thought I couldn't breathe without you/I'm inhalin'." What?

We would have loved to sit in on the lyric writing session, undoubtedly a jazzy meeting in which all present eagerly shouted out suggestions. "Ooh ooh! Check this: 'Thought I'd hungry without you/but I'm chowin'!!'" "I got one!!! 'Thought I'd be knifin' without you/but I'm forkin''"

Still, the song is great. Only a churl wouldn't admit that.